It’s been just over a year, and a phenomenal 46 more writing rejections, since I last wrote about the power of the rebuff, and for the first time in a long time my Chill Subs bucket is sitting entirely empty. I suppose I could technically leave the last two floating open as they ghosted me rather than rejecting my work, but I do not seriously believe I will see my short story in The New Yorker or my poetry in The Irish Times this year, so they too have been marked as rejection, and the blank page of a fresh start stares me down for the first time in years. A big empty void stretches out, cavernous, and the definitive knowledge that nobody likes what I write fills the space – like abstract expressionism, feeling permeating the meaning of colour and space.
I don’t think I’m going to send out a great deal of submissions this year. Whilst I’m incredibly proud of the things I wrote and sent out last year, and I think the efforts I made to write for certain competitons, publications, and people pushed me to create some things I would not otherwise have done, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a lull. Life goes that way, after all, and I have some excellent reasons for putting that side of things on pause.
it takes a lot of time to submit, and I’ve been spending the time writing.
A lot of the submissions I made in the last year or two were finessed things I have had in my back pocket, half-written or idea germinating for a while. I spent a lot of the year before last writing, and that large amount of content had to go somewhere and do something (I mean, no, it’s all still sitting on the cloud, largely unread and still in need of a fresh eye, but my hubris knows no bounds). Once it got edited (two or three times, for different readers) into a shape that suited each piece, I’ve put it down. Yes, it’s possible to edit forever, but after a while it feels stale, and I need at least a break from it. It makes sense to have a write – edit – write cycle, and focussing my energy on submission (and editing deliberately for it) has put me on the back foot, with a bunch of backed-up writing that needs my attention, either to be finished or edited. Let’s call this an ‘edit year’.
I’m working on some longer projects.
I have my PhD, which I’m making strides with, and would really like to make my main focus. I have Fantôme, and another novel I’m halfway through (working title: Richard Whittington Shroud My Gift In Poetry. A publisher advised I change it.) Knowing that last year would be big, I embarked on an ambitious poetry project that will need a lot of editing, but I am pleased with the initial manuscript. Essentially, although I am not submitting right now, I am pleased with my work and focussed on creating longform, coherent writing and research that is of the quality I’d like it to be. With Fantôme I am releasing the story piecemeal as it’s inspired by the Victorian writing that also published in serial, but the other works do not lend themselves to that structurally, so any potential readers will have to wait until they’re ready to be read.
I’m in a new era, and that takes time to work out.
I do not feel the same emotions I felt last year. I literally do not recognise some of them, even. I have been reading different things, living with fresh aims, pushing new limits, and my writing is reflecting that. It sounds different, and I need time to work that out, engage with more things that are inspiring and fit the vibe of this era. I need to learn and grow into the same person in a new space, and allow my authorial voice to do this organically before I share pieces of it.
my life is happy and busy.
I have a lot of friends to see, things to organise, and everyday tasks that do not stop. I come home from the library at 9pm and need to cook, I really want to reinstate an exercise regieme, I need to earn money to exchange for goods and services. I love being at home with my fiancé and do not need to work ceaselessly. After a year of intensity, it feels good to kick back a bit and appreciate the here and now. This does not impinge on my ambitions, but to get to where you want happy and fulfilled in multiple spheres? That’s the true dream.
I need time to bounce back after putting myself out there
Let us not forget that rejection is emotional whiplash – believing something you’ve written is good enough to win a major national award, being rejected, finding respect for what did win, and realising how alien their style is or how marketable their work is compared to yours, rereading months old work and finding the flaws, re-centreing your motivation and working out what you can, should, and are willing to change. I’ve paid a lot of money this year to be told my work is ambitious, confusing, old-fashioned, has decent bones, or not what we’re looking for. I’ve been passed over for some things I think are beautiful, if unlike my own work, and some things I hate. I need to take a pause and remember that joy and fulfilment I’ve always found in poetry, reading, writing; read and watch and listen to things without picking them apart and thinking of the patterns in the industry that led to them finding a home (or not). Something like a tactical retreat, a regroup, so that I can attack as the sun rises afresh, from high ground.
On This Topic:
- Chill Subs is my home now, not Submittable. I vastly prefer their tracker.
- Some of our favourite writers blitzed submissions.
- OK I said I’ve been reading different things but my current read is by one of my favourite authors, in a series I began in 2020, but I’ve been listening to new music, and removing other forms of content from my life.
To-Do:
- Book appointment for fitting
- Tidy the area I dump stuff in
- Begin my Met Gala digest…
Today’s Culture:
- For the first time in my life, I was interested in Coachella. Some of my favourite young acts performed (Sabrina Carpenter and Chappell Roan), my forever fave Lana del Rey headlined, Taylor Swift wore clothes I could actually see myself in (though let’s remember that AEG is owned by a billionaire campaigner against women’s and LGBT rights)
- I normally try to stay away from TikTok-y content, but I’ve been enjoying this Stanzi woman recently, which puts her with these German / Austrian guys and this tailor in the category of ‘message suits medium’. I like that they’re not clickbait and that they seem to actually be the appropriate amount of content for such a short format (and so far none of them have used a sped-up song that I’ve heard…)
- I’ve been shopping for my summer wardrobe (I hate summer so I have to start early and have been building it gradually with quality pieces for several years). I always focus on natural fabrics and try to keep it eco, so a couple of years ago the star was a linen suit from here, but this year I’m hoping some 100% silk garments will keep me cool. If you want a discount, go here – I bought this.
Late Romantic 
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