Ending A Dormancy

What are good reasons for failing at your PhD? There definitely are some: health, wealth, happiness being the core three. Nobody can fault you for being unwell, for needing to earn a living, for deciding that it’s not for you after all. On the other hand, being so addicted to Pokémon Go that you can’t leave your phone alone for more than two minutes, even when you’re in the library… you might look back on that and regret choosing it over study (there’s a reason that app isn’t on my phone any more). 

I’m not failing at my PhD, but I am going much slower than I’d like. Even if we assume that moving universities was a full re-set, I’m now behind where I’d like to be and not feeling as powerful as I did. It’s not hard to remember why I wanted to do this project, to run down the list of reasons to quit and think ‘none of those are a good enough reason to leave the research I love’; and it’s a little harder but not impossible to take stock of how I got here and think that I should be doing this – it’s not about achievements or qualifications, though I have both, it’s vision and dedication that make a PhD. Last year was the most wonderful year in a lot of ways, but it was not my most hardworking and dedicated year as far as my studies go, and reminding myself that I can and should push harder is a valid attitude to want to take. 

I will say, though, that I am tired. Combining full-time work and study as a happily married woman in a 30-something body is a vastly different prospect to doing so in my youth, when heading to the library for hours on end wasn’t replacing anything better and wasn’t going to ruin me for the next day. I will regret choosing comfort over my work in the long run, but that doesn’t make it any easier day-to-day. 

What is the solution to such an internal dilemma? Only an internal solution would truly work: a reminder that I am capable, and that I enjoy this, and that my work is valuable. My supervisors are wonderful for this – as women, both mothers, they understand the many strings that can pull at you, the many worms that can gnaw at you, and all the other ways we can choose small failures (though they wouldn’t couch it in such negative terms) instead of marching forward to our goals. I am very happy to have found them. Beyond that, I would like to be accountable to myself: it’s worked for trivial things, like skincare, so why would it not work with the albatross that hangs over my life – the idea that my PhD is in my head at this point, but not yet on paper. 

As such, I’m returning, in a way, to social media, albeit not very socially. I’m going to use it as a journal to demonstrate how my research and writing is moving forwards. I’m going to come back to writing more widely for 2025, because it echoes what I was doing when I was at my most productive. I’m going to schedule posts and articles, because I will appreciate the rigidity of putting work out into the world on a schedule, and learn to be better at sharing work-in-progress with other experts who know how to improve and finesse it. I will not be communicating via social media. I will not be reading messages, being notified of any likes, or in any way offering advice for anybody except myself. I will be modelling the life I want to live… in order to go about the business of living it. 

I’m trying to experiment, ideate, on the way I’ve lived before, without losing the healthy perspective I’ve gained as I’ve stepped away from the internet. I have hobbies! Friends (I’m still bad at talking to)! Most importantly, I have a life I’ve built into something that feels like home, and I would like to live that life with the ability to work on fresh, new goals – with the PhD behind me to enable that. 

On This Topic: 

• LateRomantic is where to follow this journey 
• I made my own filofax inserts to allow a personalised daily reflection 
• Would you like more content about life in the academy? I will be listening to comments here, as I so often use this space to actually think and flesh out ideas.

To-Do: 

• Plan library lunches for this week 
• Plan a couple of days of entertainment in Lisbon 
• Finish Book Club book 

Today’s Culture: 

• I tried YT music, but it’s heinous: they charged me twice, I can’t organise my playlists, and You Must Remember This Podcast isn’t there, so I’m sticking with Spotify. Will they refund me the second charge?? Find out next time on…
• It’s almost spring, so I’m wearing the fuck out of my fur coat before it has to go back in the wardrobe for the rest of the year. 
• Since coming back from Japan the journalling bug has hit me hard. This week’s new stationery is Ferris Wheel Press inks! The pen hasn’t wowed me, but their inks are GORGEOUS. Never stop making Bookkeeper’s Brass!