What would I say to Mark Gatiss if I met him in the street?

Like most city-dwellers, I believe that celebrities should be broadly left alone. They’re famous, sure, but are they special? Is this an encounter that will improve their lives, or are you gawping at somebody who is literally just buying milk? Living in London, one comes across celebrities often, and as somebody who has worked in very fancy retail I can assure you that the sheen wears off. I’ve met any number of television personalities, actors, singers, minor royals; I’ve got friends and colleagues and uber drivers with stories of their brushes with incredibly famous people, just going about their life. There are very few celebrities I would approach or acknowledge, and I have written a social contract for us laypeople to follow for which celebrity encounters we can even begin to consider inserting ourselves in:

• They must be minor. If Taylor Swift is walking down the street, leave her alone or she’ll be mobbed. If Jessica Kellgren-Fozard is walking around, I suppose you could say ‘hi’.

• They must have had a profound effect on your life. Do not stop somebody to say ‘are you that guy?’ because, even if they are, what have you achieved? If you must stop somebody, let it be to say ‘I have read all of your books and have a niche opinion that demonstrates I appreciate your unique thing’.
• They must actively engage in celebrity culture. If you see Sally Rooney, leave her alone – that woman doesn’t even promote her books at scheduled appearances, she assuredly does not want a random encounter with fame. If it’s Lana del Rey, who is regularly photographed with fans and even writes songs about the individuals who consume her work, maybe.*
• They cannot be engaging in anything they would not want in a tabloid. Professionalism overrides celebrity: if they’re picking their kid up from a birthday party, don’t freak them out. I met Alan Bennett, once, but I was working at a hospital and he was going in for a routine scan, so I left him alone.**
• There must be a clear way to end the encounter. They are human people with lives, who may be late for something, or even just introverted.

All this to say, a friend and I went to see The Motive and the Cue at the Noel Coward this week, and it reminded me that when a (different) friend met Mark Gatiss during rehersals, and I was green. He is absolutely one of the celebrities I would die to meet – or, in fact, wait six hours outside a theatre to see (I have done this – some guy from Marvel was also in the show so tickets were quite hard to come by). I’m such a Mark Gatiss fan that I’ve read his novels and his Dr Who books*** and sought out his more unusual acting or scripting work, mainly by way of old BBC DVDs. He is a writer who has been with me since my youth and influenced my own work deeply – arguably I learned to write from his audio commentaries and watching his creative work in tandem with the documentaries he was making, about M. R. James or classic horror movies. My expansive approach to projects I take on, my desire to wear my influences on my sleeve, and my desire to take pop culture seriously are all influenced by Mark Gatiss.

What is it to be a fan? Is it to want more, more, MORE from your faves, like the Swifties who are begging for the next re-release or new music, even after her prolific output and a global tour? Is it to immerse yourself in the vision of an artist, like people who ask for ‘Lana-coded‘ films, music, or art from other Lana del Rey fans? Is it to be ready to fight for somebody you stan, like the Barbz who took umbridge at a Megan Thee Stallion lyric this week and rose to defend a millionaire from being offended by a potential verbal attack?

To me, being a fan is to want somebody to respect you in return. There are plenty of people whose work I enjoy, but I wouldn’t call myself a ‘fan’ of, and what elevates the others is to want to engage in mutually respectful exchange of minds with them. I want Sophia Coppola to recognise the influence of music on my work as it affects hers; I want Lana del Rey to acknowledge my love of trawling archives and exploring beyond the obvious influence to create; I want Mark Gatiss to see how his own work has driven me to do more than sit in the audience. I want to know what he thinks about my writing, from my work on sensation novels to my attempts to write a narrative that plays with time and construction. Work I respect is more than something to be enjoyed: like other fans, I want more of it, I want to see things similar to it, I want to defend it to people who don’t take it seriously (albeit in a more academic way than stan wars on twitter).

In a world of social media, where fame is more attainable than ever and the famous walk the streets like us, we should all seek to make any encounters with fame more than fawning, better than gushing, improved by sincerity. If I met Mark Gatiss on the street, I might not speak to him. I’d be glad to meet him but seek to have it in a different context where we meet as equals. I’d like to tell him that I love his work, but I’ll wait until I have work of my own he may have seen and allow the opportunity for him to respond by entering into discussion. I agree that we should never meet our heroes, but I’d like to add an addendum: never meet your heroes… until you have something they can say back to you.

On This Topic:

• Megan Thee Stallion’s new album is going to be fire – both singles so far (Cobra and Hiss, for the uninitiated) are truly boundary-pushing and exciting. It’s so refreshing to see a woman strive to be a whole human with complex emotions and varied hobbies, not a persona, in the entertainment world.
• This is good dating advice too, tbh: never tell somebody they’re pretty because they can only say ‘thank you’. Even telling somebody that you like their style isn’t going to result in much of a conversation in most cases. Instead, build a reciprocal relationship based on hobbies, experiences, and desires.
• The Mark Gatiss reading list: Nightshade, The Vesuvius Club, The Ghost Story for Christmas (a British tradition), and his two horror documentaries (one and two). Bonus shout-out to his old writing partner, Jeremy Dyson, who makes truly fantastic and underappreciated work like Funland for TV and prose fiction.

To-Do:

• Take all the post-its out of my John Dennis book and return it.
• Do some financial maths for the month and using student loan.
• Do more work on B’s birthday gift, given how close it is…

Today’s Culture:

• This weekend I’m walking to London’s wetland and hoping to see some good birds, enjoy some clean air as well as you can get in this city.
• This week several friends have recommended several books, so I have to finish this dark academia read to get started on them.
• I am behind the times, but Spiritfarer is the best game I’ve played in ages. OK it’s the ONLY game I’ve played in ages, but I am obsessed and addicted.

* still, though, consider the other list items, lest you end up inspiring a 13 Beaches rather than a Taco Truck.

** Earlier in the day, seeing the name ‘Alan Bennett’ on the appointments sheet I got overexcited about it around my bemused colleagues and, in fact, the very sweet doctor (who sees him annually and knows all his patients’ personalities) did tell him that I’d called him ‘the greatest living playwright omg’ so Alan did talk to me afterwards, but nobody wants to have to be nice to a fan whilst you’re stuck in the waiting room. If they clock the excitement in your eyes and acknowledge it, be gracious – again, let it be on their terms.

*** and, in fact, will maintain Nightshade is one of the greatest works of fanfiction ever, which due to sheer volume alone is a high bar and represents point 2 on my list by being a niche opinion. My other niche Gatiss opinions include: series 3 of the League of Gentlemen is a triumph, and he is absolutely best in restoration-era roles. Also, back in my acting days my monologue was the Stump Hole Cavern speech, though I don’t think I could do it at all any more.