Building Goals and NOT Living For Tomorrow

Is success just pushing through sadness and fear? Does it mean difficulty or is it on the other side? I’m ambitious, but I’m also aware that I could be a simple kind of happy if I took a good job, worked creatively, fostered the kind of environment William Morris talked about where all my things are quality and beautiful and everything has a function. I could read books in peace and write for myself. I could enjoy life with my love, eating nice foods and doing things I enjoy. The spectre of success, though, haunts me, and I push myself further than the cottage life I could create for myself. I can and will be more. Perhaps other people are happy just going home and playing video games… but I wonder if that is simply the other side of the coin and also creates an environment that demands more input to make you happy in that space.

I would love to talk to Ariana Grande about it. She’s proud of her success, a noted workaholic, suffers with anxiety and depression… out of all the people in the world, I’d like to hear her insights. Is ‘success’ just living for the future, pushing yourself through the slog of today for tomorrow’s gain and personal satisfaction? What is to be gained, and what is the cost? Is success an endpoint or the journey itself? I don’t believe in ‘living for the weekend’, and I’m lucky enough to have found something that I would do even if I didn’t have to earn a living… but my boyfriend and I, in our 20s, regularly discuss our retirement, which has become a symbol of when we can slow down. Is the price of success my youth and much of my joie de vivre? Because, on paper at least, that seems to be a price worth paying. I suppose what I’d ask Ari is whether all success has that same price, and if the fear of failure as things inevitably escalate something one can ever come to terms with? Whether I will ever be able to repay the people who give me so much – even in kind?

I love my job. I’m really privileged to be a researcher and educator and because of that I want the success in it. But when I’m in the library until 10pm or for the 9th day in a row, or realising I need to be better than people I look up to and care about in order to succeed, I worry about the price of success. I won’t be paid in my first decade of work, and I worry that the people I love – not even myself, but my mum or my boyfriend – deserve for me to be in a position where they don’t have to support me financially; I worry about my health and fitness, which I don’t really have time for; I worry that I’m paying for success with my loved ones’ health and wellbeing where it ought to be mine, if any. I worry that I will relapse and become a vegetable, afraid of going outside, or fail and be too far down this path to ever succeed at anything. I feel, always, like I’m stood beneath Sylvia Plath’s fig tree.

Yes, I am a woman who wants it all. I am a millennial asking for more. I am a young adult coming to terms with the harsh realities of life… but I am not sure that I am supposed to be this tired my whole life, and I am not sure that my privilege should be the only reason I am ahead (although I recognise that I begin from the ideal position). Ariana Grande suggests that success is something she has, something she is, something she enjoys: in order to build myself into somebody who can be both happy and successful, simultaneously, I am evaluating what success means to me and how I can achieve it.

Thusly, in order to negate the price of success:

• I will write myself a timetable which schedules everything: work, uni work, naps, pleasure reading, gaming, hobbies, time with my partner, therapy. I will live by the schedule. I will write a schedule for holidays and push myself through when others are not doing. The grind is constant, but it is not a grind: it is something I enjoy and choose to do on my off days.
• I will lose weight, through a fitness regimen and diet improvement that can follow me through the years.
• I will capitalise on this time when I am ‘free’ to not be earning by spending as much time on improving my CV as possible: I will liase with my university about what they would look for in a hire, and make myself into it.
• I will take supplements in order to do the most to not be tired, to not look bad, to prevent sickness, and to I will take care of myself by leaving radiators on, eating properly and at regular times, allowing myself flexibility to be tired and human. I will not burn out.
• I will find a way to monetise my situation. Perhaps I can review books, teach, tutor, stay in Germany and reap the rewards of this better economy, or become a London tour guide… but I will ensure that I am not a net drain on the people around me.
• I will allow myself to be comfortable, in self-presentation and in relationships. If it does not make me comfortable then I do not have space for it and it will be minimised in my life.
• I will capitalise on all situations, but especially where others are stagnating.
• I will set myself SMART goals in order to acknowledge that, however incrementally, I am moving forwards.
• I will not worry about future decisions, such as how I would balance children or visit my mother wherever she settles down, until I am presented with a crossroads. I live only for the success of my academic career and my present enjoyment. Everything else comes later.

So far, I have:

• Made myself multi-disciplined in specialty
• Given myself paid experience in education and educational planning
• Engaged with the academic community at large on the basis of my research and specialisms
• Built a community of likeminded academics and continued to foster the growth of everyone therein
• Made myself capable in my second language
• Found the ideal support system and a rock-solid foundation of love

To-Do:

• Buy a bike. I do not want to be paying for transport for work after the half term.
• Organise my bedroom / living room situation so that it is not such a heinous mess of where things were first put. I have ordered two desk organisers that match my colour scheme and cannot be stopped.
• Take out the recycling. Right now I am living with the previous resident’s glass under my sink, I deserve better.

Today’s Culture:

• Radiators. My lord, am I grateful for powerful radiators in East-German Autumn.
• Canned food. In Germany, stores are shut on Sundays and I don’t have a large freezer, so always having some canned veggies and such in the cupboard is going to be a lifesaver for a busy gal.
• Customer Service. I never thought Britain’s customer service was good until I came to Europe and now I beg for people to answer my queries on twitter, or remotely care about why I might be buying from their company.